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he was watching movies outside my bedroom door at four in the morning, so i went out to him. and it starts again.

what i really want is for things to be the way they were before all this stuff happened. i want those golden rainy sundays. what we have now is awkward in it's comfort. wanting is better than having. once i have what you want, i don't want it the same way anymore. i miss that sunny mutual yearning. we used to be so forbidden. now we make out on the sofa.

i can picture us in my head, stylized and swirling around eachother like litter on the sidewalk.

i don't want what i used to want. i want to go through the motions until this goes away.