why am i so sad all the time?

let's see what i've got.

dry cuffs on my jeans. plus.
business card from that man who was staring at me. "i'm a filmmaker!" negative.
rough hands that hurt when i wipe my eyes. negative.
used Kleenex. neutral.
the word "malapropism" in my vocabulary. plus.
less friends than a week ago. negative.
dead aunt. dead ant. ded ant ded ant ded ant.
the pink panther song in my head. negative.
art school. apathy.
new acquaintances. negative.
a fight with my dad. negative.
a negative attitude...

what a useless post. i'll probably delete this soon.

where can i meet another stranger?
how can i loose another friend?
if it's all the same,
i'd rather not go.

i just want to go home.
i only want to be alone.

my dreams are caves
my eyelids are thick

I had to sneak through the corridors
And tiptoe through clean-cornered hallways
To get to her room.
She had built a tent around her bed
Of light and dark raw silk,
Like that of the dresses she had brought
In that bohemian garden
Where there were chess boards painted on the rocks
And Katherine caught baby garter snakes in the grass.

I brought her yellow roses, and she said,
Don't you see?
I came here to get away from all of you.

you could watch me from outside:
the girl standing in the fifth floor window
gnawing on a mango skeleton
and turning the meat over in my mouth.
i'm treading water
in the slanted sunlight
planning my escape
and watching the moment fleet.

you can't catch me.
i wear wings on my feet.

so now you're dead again.
this changes things.

gingerbread and a wool sweater
street lights
guitar strings

this place still smells warm
teddy bear
tummy rub

who would have guessed
the sin smells like licorice tea?

i don't think i'll change a thing just yet.
[] []:|[]::|[]|'*[]* [],|[];|[]|*[]* '[]'[]::|[]..|, [];|[f]*[]*[e][r][];|[].[]. [e][],|.

i think; therefore, i'm wrong.

My bunny, by James Cam:
My bunny, so funny and dreams of having enough money,
oh, to see the smile on her face, makes my grey skies, sunny,
she eats random condiments, especially handfuls of honey.
She likes me so, even though my nose is always runny,
my bunny.

Carolyn: that's poetic lisance. i certinly don't like your runny nose!
James: So is spelling licence, lisance.

touche.

the sulight was heavy and liquid when i woke up. my sister has sleep in her eyes and she still looks like a movie star. my mom's watching a movie about a monk who solves crime. the food tastes better here, in a clean-cornered kitchen and out of blue bowls. my cat has curious eyes.

home sweet home. i wish i could just stay here.

i thought i'd washed his residue off myself long ago, but what's that floating in the bath water? i can't pull the plug out, and the towel smells like someone else's skin. it's going to take a little longer, a little warmer, a little more time.

mudpie, here it is. if i'm confusing you, it's because i'm confused. if i can't be near you, it's because i want to keep you clean. you think i'm messing with you, but you're the only one worth messing with anymore. if you stick around to watch me unravel, i plan to knit myself up into a sweater around you one day.

the daylight pooled in puddles on floor, on the table, on my lap. dusk drank them though a twirling straw. now the fluorescent lights are hot and dry. i limp when i walk now, but i still have reasons to dance.

I walk the spit-shined city sidewalks, the saliva-scented streets of Chinatown, with pebbles pressing themselves into the rubber soles of my sneakers.

i have no cause for complaint,
though my life doesn't fit at neatly
in the tidy brown packages that i like, anymore
and i have to make a new friend
every time i need an extra finger
to help me tie the strings.

gerri,
i felt around for the places that your fingers had been
but there was nothing of you left behind

---

I went into the 7-eleven for a five dollar phone card. The man behind the counter had a yellow worm-shaped parasite growing out of his iris. I couldn't help watching it as he worked.

When I paid him, I gave him too much money so that when he gave me my change I could lean in and catch the parasite between my teeth. It resisted, but I persisted, and the parasite gave way with a champagne cork "pop." A trickle of purple ketchup blood blubbed out with it.

The man yelped, "Hey!"

The parasite was too ropy to chew, so I swallowed it whole. It tasted like puss and green apples.

---

Man Pat says:
I hope I still know you when you're old and grey. I want watch your family grow.

---

the girl with the poorly drawn face says:
when i think of you i think of sunlight through leaves, lemonade and yellow flowers. i think of peaches and cream!

Jen says:
hehe! when i think of you i see, a dark blue sky with millions and zillions of stars and a hand reaching toward them